Your first date with a potential new boo is coming to a close. It went well: You two hit it off, the conversation flowed easily and you even shared a few laughs. Then the waiter places the check on the table. What do you do? It depends on who you ask. For better or worse, there are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to who should pay on the first date, so things can get confusing and kind of clumsy when the bill arrives.
Splitting the bill: 12 men and women tell us how they feel about paying on a date
Friends should pay and go. Romantic partners should enter, stick around, and then pay into complete feminism. For example, I have a friend who disappears whenever he pays a new relationship. He expects all in.
If the guy doesn’t pay on the first date, it’s a deal-breaker for some of my pavement-pounding women who can’t afford to split the bill or even pick up to heterosexual dating—especially in the early stages—aren’t changing.
Poorna Bell used to believe that a man should always pay when on a first date. In one of mine — made up entirely of heterosexual women — we were discussing first dates , and how to split the bill. In fact, I was surprised at her, especially given that we are all women who earn our own money and are pretty vocal about female empowerment.
I strongly believed that a man should pay because I felt it told you something about how much he liked you. If I can pay my own mortgage, electricity bills, put food on my table, and be a modern woman in every other sense, what good reason is there for me to expect a man to pay? At the time I was a student and convinced myself it was okay because I had barely any money compared to him.
In that sense, it takes away from your autonomy. When I brought the debate up with a friend, she brushed it off. Because what do traditional values actually mean? A couple of years ago, I went on a date with a guy I fancied to such mad, excited extremities that I thought I was going to throw up when I spied him through the restaurant window. We had lunch, the conversation flowed smoothly, he paid.
Gentlemen Speak: You’re Not Wrong for Wanting Him to Pay on a Date
The term stems from restaurant dining etiquette in the Western world , where each person pays for their meal. It is also called Dutch date , Dutch treat the oldest form, a pejorative ,  and doing Dutch. A derivative is ” sharing Dutch “, having a joint ownership of luxury goods. For example: four people share the ownership of a plane, boat, car, or any other sharable high-end product.
Man paying the bill with credit card on a date. © GettyImages It Awkward. The Ultimate Guide to Figuring Out Who Should Pay on a First Date.
I vividly remember my first gay date. He was a large, muscular man with a deep voice that carried throughout the restaurant. He took me to a local sushi restaurant, where he ordered both his food and mine. This came as a shock, but I could tell that for him, it was a means of asserting dominance. When we finished, he grabbed the bill and told me not to worry about it.
Still, that was two years and dozens of dates ago, and I continue to be befuddled about how to approach the whole which-gay-pays standoff when the bill lands on the table. He also believes that footing the bill, especially if you asked the person out, is chivalrous and will always be appreciated. More on that later.
At this point, I wanted to hear from queers themselves, so I published a not-entirely-scientific poll on Twitter asking which gay should pay, and splitting the bill took the lead with more than half of votes. Michael , 26, agrees — with one caveat. Shaklee suggests pitching in with the tip of a meal or paying for drinks or dessert at the next stop.
The results of a Match.
This Is How Feminists Decide Who Pays For The First Date
The setting: a mid-price range, family-friendly restaurant just before Christmas. A young Japanese couple, early university age, sit together at a table. They nervously hand one another cutely wrapped gifts, fussing over the wrapping paper before opening them. The guy goes first. He gets a nice Moleskine notebook and a fancy ballpoint pen.
With online dating, where it is not uncommon for women to make the first If he pays the bill, offer to buy him a drink or dessert, or tell him you’d like to take him.
Kate Iselin dissects the long-running issue. Back in the days when we were both single, he and I would often sit down together to discuss and dissect our dates: from the great, to the not-so-great, to the downright terrible; nothing was off the table. On each date he went on, Tom always offered to pick up the tab, whether he felt it was a successful evening or not. It was a decision he made after speaking to quite a few women — both platonic friends and dates — who talked about the amount of effort a woman has to put in to preparing for a first date.
But as I remain single, and actively dating, I find myself pausing as I reach for my purse at the end of each evening: should I offer to pay for us both? To fairly split the bill? Or to see if my date, like Tom, is going to call the evening his treat? Historically, the tradition of the man paying for everything on a date was born out of the fact that women rarely had the financial resources to do so.
If a woman was prevented from working due to her gender, or paid very little for whatever job she was able to do, it seemed only fair that the man — who may have been earning much, much more than she was able to — would pick up the tab for the time they spent together.
Dating after 60 – how to determine who should pay the bill
In a perfect world, money would not be an issue. Or maybe if I had a perfect personality instead of my neurotic, analytical self , dating costs would not be an issue. Or maybe if we lived in a world where traditional female and male roles of nurturer and provider did not exist, then it would not be an issue.
I see that there are two distinct periods where the behaviour is different and where who pays for the dating cost varies. Now, I would not say that I am super traditional, but I do evaluate whether the guy is a cheapskate or if he is a gentleman. I am not a gold digger, far from it, but I do not want to be taken advantage of and I do not agree to expensive dates unless I was interested in the guy.
The guy goes first. He gets a nice Moleskine notebook and a fancy ballpoint pen. He thanks her. The girl goes next. She opens a small box to.
Considering the traditional Western ideals of chivalry, this new arrangement is arguably most appealing and helpful to men, who have long been expected to pay for dates in order to appear gentlemanly. Centuries of assured gender roles have culminated in a 21st century society which insists that women should accept and perhaps even expect to be paid for at all stages of romantic relationships.
Equally, whilst the financial generosity of a date demonstrates their kindness, it is in danger of introducing pressure on the other person to agree to another meeting. However, men still predominantly opt to pay for the table and the question of who takes care of the bill remains a topic of discussion for most couples who enter the restaurant. Whilst men are most likely to pay in heterosexual pairs, an imbalance of financial contribution is also frequently seen in non-heterosexual couples, too.
Whether this is a result of one person insisting upon full payment, or of one person failing to offer their own contribution, the show has proved that how the bill is split can be a deal-breaker for some singles. It is perhaps problematic that a policy like this has to be formally introduced and offered by an establishment. The split-bill arrangement aims to combat this tricky topic by encouraging equality on dates and thus beginning to erase one of the markers of stereotypical masculinity.
It is perhaps problematic that a policy like this has to be formally introduced and offered by an establishment in order to achieve a financial balance on dates, as it suggests that some people are incapable of simply discussing the options and agreeing on how to pay. Written by Romana Essop. Fangirl and fresh crep fanatic. Pop-punker, probably at the merch stand.
Also admire alliterative phrases.
“This is the one thing we all need to stop doing on first dates”
We are constantly confronted with ads, instructions and debates on how our gender defines who we are and what we do. When it comes to dating the grey areas of traditional customs and practices become blurry. How do we appear interested, but not pushy?
This can be problematic from both angles, as some men may not be in a position to pay for the whole bill or might not want to if the date hasn’t.
Today, I thought that we could talk about who should pay the bill on the first date. The idea that genitalia should determine who is responsible for feeding both mouths is absolutely absurd. The woman blushes, appearing coy with her carefully rehearsed pleasant surprise. So, for some, the issue arises when the man offering to pay never actually puts that offer on the table at all.
But, why should he?! You can also offer or, possibly a new concept for some, you can just split the bill! What is particularly frustrating about the whole situation is that all too often, those complaining about a bill? Yeah, those people call themselves feminists. Here we are, demanding that the future is female, yet some women are still waiting for a man to pick up their bill!
I mean we are all capable, independent and hardworking females.
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Gender roles are changing, so should it still be up to the guy to pick up the tab after a first date? We find out. If the guy doesn’t pay on the first date, it’s a deal-breaker for some of my single heterosexual girlfriends don’t shoot the messenger. It’s not that they aren’t self-sufficient, pavement-pounding women who can’t afford to split the bill or even pick up an entire dinner tab. It’s an appreciation for a gentleman in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The thing is, of course, that gender roles are finally changing everywhere from the home to the office.
Luckily, this date was a complete outlier in my dating experience, but I out of 10 of those men let me pay — and that one time, we split the bill.
In , the idea that a guy automatically picks up the bill for a first date sounds woefully outdated, like DVDs or flip phones. Yet in a poll conducted by Money and SurveyMonkey, 78 percent of respondents said they believe the man should pay on a first date in a straight relationship. When it comes to cash, why do such old-fashioned traditions stubbornly persist?
I consider myself a feminist. Why this is, and why am I in such good company? Even my mom was surprised by the assumption that a man should pay.